Originally this was typed and posted on another site, and after trying to post it 3 times and my post dissappearing, I decided to move on, and now I am here, well, here is my post.
So here goes attempt number two. I wrote a really long entry the other day and hit save journal, it was really deep and full of nuggets, but it dissappeared. After I did that I made a test one, and the test one stayed, maybe it was too long, all I know is, before I post this one I am going to copy and paste it, but here goes nothing, a different day, different thoughts, not even going to bother recapping for the most part what was deleted in the last one. So, here we go.
I have decided to start this journal to get my thoughts out, I tell my kids all the time, because they are teens or on their way to teens, I always tell them to journal, they are always angry, upset, something is going on all the time and they don't know is going on, I always tell them to journal, something we won't snoop on, unless they want to share, which is exactly what I am doing. I do have to give a permenant disclaimer, these words I speak are of no one opinion but my own, and as my mother told me, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, which, I kind of understand but not fully, either way, yes, I did curse, I am human, I am a sinner, I sin, I stop myself as much as possible, but, Satan is constantly on attack, and no matter what I do or say, Jesus loves me yes he does. So back to the disclaimer, more to add to it is these will not be clear and consice thoughts, if you were looking for perfect grammer or punctuation or even spelling, you are looking in the wrong place, as the thoughts come to my head, my neurons send messages from my brain to my fingers and here comes the word vomit (type vomit? LOL) So if any of this annoys you, I appologize in advance, just stop reading and move on, why waste your precious time on this earth correcting someone or getting irritated with things that ultimatly in the long run once we are in the kingdom of Heaven, really don't matter at all, don't stress over my little journal.
So, this is my first (kind of) journal on here, so I will let you know a little about me, my name is Ryan and I live in Oregon with my Wife and Kids. Have been married 5 years coming in May. Together we have 6 kids, three boys from her previous marriage, ages 14,13 and 12, I have two kids from a couple previous relationships, my son who is 11 that I do not have custody of and have not seen since he was an infant, and my daughter who is 10, we have custody of her currently until next school year she will be living with her mom on a trial run. We asked that she finish elementry school here and if she still wants to she can move to her mom's, it is only a couple of hours away but as life goes I do not have the funds to visit often, but things should work out, I'm praying at least, stressing out big time over the situation.
So, life is life, as everyone I am constantly being attacked by Satan, but, the other day during a discussion with my wife she made a good point, sometimes God allows things to happen to teach lessons, I do often feel like Job, which I might add is my favorite book after Joshua, the story of Job I relate to, the story of Joshua I asspire to, I am sure there are many others people would love to asspire to in the Bible, in fact everyone should if they do not already aspire to be Christ-like, and I do, but I also am inspired by good ole Josh. I am always stressed, bills, teenagers, juggeling to live life and keep my wife happy in all ways that I can, fulfilling her love language of physical touch, when all I know how to do is give gifts, that is my giving love language, not sure what my receiving is, I have not read the book, I would like to, but I am so ADD I can't get past a couple of pages of any book except the Bible, when I choose to I can get pretty glued into it, but not as often as I know that I should.
Speaking of reading the bible, when I decided to start journelling and getting more serious into Christ the other day when my blog was erased, I started reading a couple of lessons on bible.com, one on Anger, because I will mention later, I am a really angry person and have trouble not showing it, well the lesson was a 3 day lesson and it wasn't really a lesson but scripture on Anger, it gave me the scripture of Proverbs 14:30, I wasn't paying attention and thought Proverbs 14 was what I was supposed to read, which was meant to be because the entire section spoke to me.
Now one thing I will add is I fill these out while at work, I work at a call center so sometimes I get a call and lose my train of thought, another reason these might be all over the place. Anyways, I very much suggust reading Proverbs 14, I plan on when I get time with my entire family together to sit down and read it, it has something for everyone, myself, my wife and my kids, something everyone can learn and take away from.
So I am constantly stressed, my wife feels I am not happy in our situation, that I am never hungry, always angry, which isn't true, I wouldn't trade any of this for the world, as she states, happieness is only temporary, it is just a feeling, and honestly, feelings suck. But, because of my stress I lash out, I yell, I curse, I get angry, I get human, I don't want to be human anymore, I don't want these issues, I do not want to be easily pursuaded by Satan, because honestly it is so so easy. The roads and doors satan opens are so easy to access and easier to walk, easy to fall back on, I am not a strong person, but, with Christ on my side I can conquer anything. I do love Jesus, with all my heart, no matter what he throws at me, I just tend to forget about Him, not offer myself to Him.
Ok, back from break, onto another thought, I am sure the last thought is unfinished, had a call, took a break and now I am back, I think today I want to talk about something I read today, not only did do a 3 day scripture on Anger, but I did another 3 day study called Beating Burnout : Finding Hope and Health, and this one had actual lessons with scripture included, the entire lesson again was an eye opener, this is what todays lesson said.
" Relational Health: Being Peacemakers
Stress and burnout can cause us to project our pain and exhaustion on others — usually those closest to us. Some people respond to burnout by lashing out in anger and storming around in a rage as their lives are falling apart.
Exhaustion can cause us to shut down and stop communicating with our spouse or our friends. And by “communicating,” I mean both talking and listening. We no longer feel connected to those around us, and we begin not to care about nurturing those relationships that God has placed in our lives.
After not communicating for a while, resentment can develop. Our spouses or friends may not feel comfortable opening up to us anymore, and bitterness can be formed and directed toward us, toward the church, and even toward God.
In Matthew 5:9, Jesus directs us to be “peacemakers.” It will take effort and intentionality on our part to bring balance back into our relationships. We are to make peace and strive for unity.
Have you cut off communication with people because you’re feeling burned out? Write down their names and a trait you admire about each one of them. Then write down a date you will contact them, making amends if necessary."
This is a great lesson to learn, in my last blog that never posted I stated during a camp retreat with other men of my old church (I don't currently go to church, I work Sundays and really miss the friendships I had there and how it helped my relationship with God and Jesus), during the retreat we broke off into small groups, which I don't do well with, I am shy and don't speak up, and it's very noticable, well a gentleman that I do look up to from the church, sweetest guy anyone can know, admitted that he is one of the most loving people but can be a tyrant at home, I was in shock, I mean, it's how I deal with life, biggest heart for others but hurt the people that actually love me and care for me, I related to him, but I was in very much shock due to what I knew of him, but I see it from his persppective and mine, just because my wife has friends and family members that see me as the perfect husband and father, always wishing they had a spouse or significant other like me, when if they really knew the struggles I have they would say differently, and some see past my fake facade that I show others that everything is OK when really it is not. In all honestly the word divorce has popped up a few times in our discussions, but I refuse, I will not give up, I will not let Satan have my marriage or my children, I will do everything I can to fight for this to succeed. God put me in the lives I am in for a reason, for something positive, I have no idea what it is yet, but one day it will come to me and it will be for His glory!
I am sure I could go on but for now I must stop, time to copy and paste this so I do not lose everything I have typed, just to make sure it posts this time around, not sure if anyone will even see this but, prayers are needed for my family and I at this time, we have a lot of stress and situations coming up that are going to become even more stressful, I pray for serenity in my heart and no anger to be released. I will leave you with this because it is something that stuck with me today after reading my lesson, attatched to the lesson was James 1:19-20, which touched me so much I wrote it on my whiteboard at work and will continue to look at it and soak it in, it will always be there as a reminder. Here it is and God bless all.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the rightoutsness that God desires.
God Is Love
Rev Ry The Comicbook Guy (Homage to Rev Run, one of my fav people and influences.)
P.S. I am not really a Reverand, again, has to do with the Homage of how Rev Run ends Run's House every episdoe.
(I don't know if this is too long or something, but attempt number two... first one did not post, maybe because so many pauses in between.)